Everything Right

The dreariness imposed itself on him unexpectedly. That happened. Still, Nathan wakes up at 7am every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Those are the days he has to get up to let out the dogs. His girlfriend covers Tuesdays and Thursdays. They switch off on weekends. On Sundays after waking up, Nathan does his laundry.

Nathan and girlfriend live in a studio apartment that isn’t large enough for two dogs. Nathan often complains about this. But his girlfriend said their first dog needed a friend, otherwise, it would get lonely. Now, he wakes up early to let them out to pee on their deck.

After waking up, letting the dogs out, and doing his weekly laundry, Nathan goes out for a run. He doesn’t particularly enjoy running, but knows he has to do it to keep in shape. His father has heart problems, so Nathan understands that running to keep his heart healthy is something he simply must do. Speaking of health, Nathan limits both his fatty protein and sugar intake. He figures doing good for his body will make it last longer. So, the diet is more than worth it. Nathan, however, is rational and allows himself to indulge from time to time. Birthdays. Holidays. Parties. Or sometimes, he scarfs down an entire quart of ice cream in the middle of the night when he cannot control himself. That happens. But Nathan does not dwell on these mistakes. He recovers quickly and runs longer distances the next morning.

Nathan is currently applying to Grad School. He finished his Bachelors two years ago and then he Got A Job and Met A Girl. He always figured he would go back to school after a short break, but he ended up really liking his job and moving in with the girl. He is unsure of how to balance work and school, but figures that even if he gets into grad school, he doesn’t have to go. He just wants to test the waters. So, he writes essays, requests recommendations, and dresses up for interviews. Nathan applies to ten schools and is sure that will give him enough options.

Working, applying to schools, managing an apartment, and maintaining social/familial obligations is a lot to balance. But Nathan likes to make to-do lists every Monday evening. He uses large, yellow post-its rather than a planner. He once told his girlfriend that a planner was just too overwhelming and he didn’t like knowing he has to make a plan every single week. But for six months Nathan never fails to make his weekly post-it list. In fact, he now loves it. It comforts him. Soon, Nathan starts making two lists. One for “productive” activities and one for “social events.” He feels good when he checks off items. Essay? Check. Resume? Check. Coffee with his college roommate? Check.

Nathan soon finds that he isn’t always present when completing tasks on his list. This makes him anxious. He thinks maybe the restlessness is attributed to feeling unproductive, so he tries adding more mundane, daily, things to the list like letting out the dogs or telling his mother he loves her and asking his girlfriend about her day. This way, he can check off more items. The people around him start to like how attentive and reliable Nathan is. Nathan figures the lists are a success.

Nathan’s mother needs somebody to drive her to physical therapy. He wonders why his father or brother cannot do it, but still drives her every Thursday after getting off work. While he waits for her to be done, he goes to the grocery store a block away to stock up for the week. On the car rides home, his mother asks him about going back to school and if he ever plans to get a “real job” and get married. Nathan tells her he is working on it — and he is — but is frustrated she brought it up, as he is already very aware of these facts.

When he reaches his mother’s home, Nathan sometimes goes inside to eat dinner with her. His father is usually out with his friends to watch football and his younger brother is usually at soccer practice. His brother is very good at soccer, and Nathan is often impressed by his talent. Nathan also used to play soccer in high school, but he peaked his sophomore year and realized he would go nowhere with it. Nathan grew frustrated and began to resent soccer. He quit his junior year and began to focus on band instead. Band was something he also liked, but not as much as soccer. Nathan was talented and worked hard to be the best. Nathan eventually got a scholarship for music, and played all throughout college in the marching band. When at his mother’s house for dinner, he sees framed photos of him at concerts and football games. Nathan doesn’t have much time or desire to play now and feels guilty about it while looking at the photos. After all, he worked hard on developing this skill for eight years. He makes a mental note to add practicing his instrument to next week’s to-do list.

Next to the pictures of him, there are photos of his brother playing soccer. Though he is talented, he could be the best if he were more consistent with practice outside of school. This is something Nathan often reminds his brother of, but his brother says he likes how he does things and that Nathan should mind his own business. Nathan tells his mother at dinner that she should encourage his brother to practice more, but his mother says that his brother is doing great and got placed as the center midfielder this year. After hearing this, Nathan feels a sudden burst of unrecognizable emotion, though it is not jealousy. He swipes it away and offers to help with the dishes.

Nathan gets into Grad School. A good one. One he applied just to see if he could. He feels very proud. His girlfriend is proud. His mother is so proud she posts it all over the Internet. Nathan feels embarrassed, but is pleased by his mother’s reaction. Nathan realizes that he cannot keep working if he is to attend school. His parents agree to loan him money for rent and groceries because Nathan going to school is important. Nathan does not like handouts, but his father insists and says this education and the connections that come with it will be a good investment. Nathan promises to pay him back.

The following week, Nathan quits his job. Doing so was not something he particularly enjoyed because — as stated before — Nathan really likes this job. He was good at what he did and was recently promoted to have a team and project of his own. His boss seemed confused, but wished him the best of luck. He also says Nathan is welcome back at any time. But both Nathan and his boss know he isn’t coming back.

Nathan and his girlfriend have made it to their two-year anniversary. But he has a paper due for grad school and lately his girlfriend has not been getting up to let the dogs out. The apartment is too small for him to cool down when he is frustrated, so they argue from time to time. Nathan now works harder in the mornings in case they argue later and it derails his plans. But tonight, he takes her out to eat and then holds her close in bed because he figures it is faster to do that rather than say he cannot go out. After she falls asleep, he writes his paper and kisses her forehead before going out on his morning run. He feels guilty because he should be more present with her.

Nathan’s mother loves his girlfriend. In fact, his whole family does. She is smart, pretty, and talkative without being loud. Nathan likes her too, and has gotten used to living with her over the past year. The move-in was too fast for Nathan, but he knew she was the right person to end up with. Now, he commutes to school to spend more time with her and tries to do nice things from time to time. Sometimes, when she is asleep, he finds himself thinking about other people. Not in a romantic way, but just the possibility of anyone else. In the morning, when she wakes up and smiles, these thoughts vanish, and Nathan makes her breakfast.

Nathan doesn’t like Grad School. Everybody has a timetable and he finds them upsetting. Nathan needs to make a timetable, but goes back to his checklists — for now.

He is good at school though. He is a hard worker, productive, and in control of his time. Except for when he’s not. Sometimes, Nathan crashes. He gets overwhelmed and takes a day off from all he needs to do. He doesn’t run, doesn’t shower, and doesn’t look at his list. The next day, he gets overwhelmed about being behind and takes another day off to catch up. Soon, Nathan is a week behind and panicking. He never knows where to start. It is here, when he tries the hardest to control himself, that his humanity screams out the loudest. Nathan cannot move.

Every time, a spark of ambition or pride or fear makes Nathan finally get up. He catches up — fast. After all, Nathan is intelligent. During these catch-up periods, Nathan is extra productive. He finishes his work and often gets ahead. He is also unable to sleep. At night, his brain shuts off, but he is indubitably awake. Nathan listens to podcasts, writes essays, and is romantic with his girlfriend. The rush he gets from catching up carries over for a month or two. Nathan works and does everything at high intensity until one day he pauses. And when he pauses and reflects, he starts to get overwhelmed. He realizes he is a bit tired. So, Nathan takes a day off. And the cycle continues.

Nathan soon embraces his cycles and learns to plan for them and work with them. But people need him to be more consistent. Nathan tries. Soon, the cycles stop happening and Nathan is able to distribute his intensity. His time management improves and he utilizes his insomnia to do late night activities that promote personal growth, interest, and learning.

Nathan’s girlfriend got concert tickets to a group Nathan loves. She is excited to surprise him because she wants them to go out and be spontaneous. Nathan is excited to go out tonight because he always feels relaxed at concerts. But lately, loud noises and sounds upset him. In fact, any abrupt change upsets him. Nathan gets dizzy easily and suddenly feels going to a concert on a Sunday would make him feel sick the following day. Nathan suggests his girlfriend go with one of her friends because he has work to do. She gets upset after hearing this because this was not the reaction she expected. She refutes that Nathan has no work to do tonight and that he used to drop everything to see a show. Nathan, however, holds his ground and claims he wants to get ahead so he can relax during the week.

More upset than she thought she would be, Nathan’s girlfriend coolly says he acts distant and that he doesn’t even seem human anymore. Nathan grows frustrated upon hearing this. After all, he is working towards a future for himself and for her. For them. Unable to express this reasoning, Nathan lashes out and releases a slew of profanities and harsh insults. His girlfriend starts to cry and says she is going to her friend’s house for the night. Nathan goes to the fridge and eats everything he can find. He works aggressively and submits all his assignments for the next week, bathes the dogs, cleans the apartment, and goes out to buy his girlfriend flowers. He calls his parents “just to talk” and volunteers to take the trash down for his apartment neighbors. Afterwards, he lays out the flowers on the table and a long note explaining why he got angry and that he is sorry. Nathan then goes to bed.

A couple minutes later, he wakes up and throws out the note. It seems childish. He writes a new note, one where he expresses how he still feels affection towards her and apologizes. He promises her his Fridays from now on. Every Friday. It is simple. Brief. Later that night his girlfriend comes home and they make up.

Nathan isn’t happy. Not really. In fact, he’s exhausted. So, he goes to therapy. It’s a good thing to do and a lot of people his age go. He starts meditating and is now calm while taking on the day. This makes everybody very happy. His calmness allows him to get more done and Nathan starts recommending everybody go to therapy. In fact, he is very proud of his own self-improvement. Eventually, Nathan gets too busy and stops going. When the feelings come back, he tells himself that therapy is a waste of time now that he knows what they will say and that it’s okay to not be happy all the time. He keeps meditating and works to continue practicing the techniques he learned.

Later that month, Nathan’s father passes away. Nathan takes a month off school. He helps his mother plan the funeral, and he and his girlfriend decide to move to a place closer to his home. Nathan is surprised at the feeling death brings him. He is confronted by a desire to live more. So, he starts doing more. He figures marriage is something one must do, and that getting married would please both his mother and his girlfriend. Nathan picks up a part time job to help his mother and to start saving up for a ring. He goes back to therapy, and his therapist commends him for how well he is coping by moving forward with his life.

So, Nathan keeps moving forward. He has a year left of Grad School and starts looking for internships. Sometimes, while scrolling online, he gets distracted by backpacking ads and thinks that he can maybe take a break and go away for a little while. He mentions this to his girlfriend and she asks him where they should go. But Nathan wants to go alone. He is at a loss for words and cannot describe to her this urgent feeling of him needing to go alone. Instead, he drops the idea. Besides, Nathan already took a month off school. Now, he has a job and lots of things to do. Vacationing would just be irresponsible.

Nathan is a good person. At least, we think he is. Nathan, himself, isn’t too sure. But he holds onto that belief. Nathan does good things. He does school and the dishes and fulfills all his obligations. He drives his mother to physical therapy and cheers for his brother at soccer games and listens to his girlfriend. He recycles and volunteers and supports his family. He doesn’t miss a single event or birthday or milestone. It’s all good.

Despite this, Nathan grows weary. Often, he stumbles — like he used to with the ice cream and the days off. From time to time, he gets restless. Nathan doesn’t always feel good. That happens.

But it’s okay, because Nathan is doing everything right. All of the time. That way, he won’t be able to stop and ask himself “why?”

And maybe, not having an answer is what he’s been so afraid of.